Veronica,
I’m having an affair with a married man. I am a 33 year old professional woman with a full life and solid career. When we first got involved 4 years ago it was fun. After time I have realized my love for him is so deep. I want him to leave his wife but I am afraid he won’t. He says he loves me so much more than his wife, but his wife is a pitiful, clingy, dependant and he doesn’t know how to leave her. I am at my wits end. What are your thoughts on this?
Signed,
Lonely
***********
Dearest Lonely,
My thoughts on this, are that you are an ass. No judgment, just honesty here
I always think it’s funny when the mistress believes that the wife is the fool. She sleeps in his bed, bares his children, cashes his paychecks, spends Christmas and vacations with him, and is the one he bends over backward to protect. You are the one signing your name as “lonely”. Which one of you do you honestly think is the pitiful one?
I do feel sorry for you. And for the wife for that matter. It sucks to be lied to. And both of you are being lied to. He lies to his wife obviously. And he lies to you when he tells you he doesn’t know how to leave his wife and all that other bullshit. Honey, if he wanted out, he’d be out.
Will a married (or significantly committed/attached man) leave his significant other for you? Sometimes.
Take actress/playboy model Kristy Swanson and champion figure skater Lloyd Eisler for example. They met on the FOX TV show in 2005, Skating with the Stars. He was married at the time. His wife was 8 months pregnant when he left her for Kristy. Another example is the infamous Britney Spears and Kevin Federline affair, marriage, and divorce. So, yes. Yes, a married man may leave his family for you, especially if you are wealthier or more famous than his wife is.
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You said when this started, it was fun. And I want to elaborate on that. Sex is fun. Sex is natural, and healthy, and animal and basic. It’s one of the greatest things about life on earth.
The thing that is not fun, is the lying.
I know couples with open relationships. What I admire about them, is honesty. You see the honest theme weaved throughout all of my HUBS. One couple, Erik and Ken, have been together for over 20 years. They are a loving committed couple, who have been honest with each other about their needs, and have respectfully found a compromise that works for them, which is NOBODY’S BUSINESS BUT THEIRS. Their honesty and their arrangement works for them. I think it’s beautiful that they communicate so well, and accept each other so completely.
The difference between them, and you, is the dishonesty. The lying. They are an honest couple, showing each other respect and value. You and your married men are liars. What you’re doing to your married man’s wife is cruel. And don’t say he’s the one doing it, not you. You’re every much as responsible for it as he is.
Lonely, let me ask you this. Would you really want to be with a man that you know for a fact lies to his life partner? He stood at the alter and promised himself to this woman, and now lies to her, goes behind her back, calls her dependant and clingy, and fucks another woman in secret. And we don’t know how many other women just like you he has. Do you really want to be committed to man that isn’t capable of respect and honesty? Do you really want this guy??
People make mistakes. I can sympathize with some married guy that gets confused, makes a huge error in judgment, does something stupid, and then regrets it. That’s not what happened here. 4 years?? He’s not a good guy that made a huge mistake. He’s an asshole.
I can also sympathize with the fact that some marriages don’t work. People get married too young, fall in and out of love, change, grow… have kids that either one of them or both of them didn’t actually want or didn’t actually think about. Money, careers, in laws… there are a lot of reasons marriages don’t work out. These things happen. And if he and his wife just fell out of love for whatever reason, I would sympathize with that and wish him well moving on.
But even if that is his case scenario, he isn’t in the process of changing his life. He isn’t communicating with his wife, and taking the brave road here like a man. He’s a lying cheating coward. 4 years worth. Come on, Lonely. Put yourself in that wife’s shoes.
I would not have come down so hard on you had the two of you had some fling. Anyone can make a mistake. Even a big mistake. It is part of the human condition to fuck up. The difference between a mistake and a character flaw should be obvious. The long 4 year time factor, let alone the lies he tells his wife and about his wife, are proof.
Also, I would not have come down so hard on you had you sounded content, and signed your email happily. You are obviously miserable. You are afraid he won’t leave his wife, clearly this reveals you wish to break up his marriage. You admit you are lonely. You aren’t a healthy happy person engaging in this thing and going on with your life. You’ve let it become crushing and manipulating, you’ve let it ruin your self esteem and your happiness. And you’ve let it define you. It’s time to stop.
A new door can not open until you close an old door. Change your life. Invite better things in for yourself.
My wish for you is that you re-find your value: that you see your self worth and that you realize it is not celebrated in this affair. I wish for you to see this guy for what he really is and not for what you would like to pretend he is. I wish you would be honest – with yourself and with everyone else. I wish you happiness.