I have written in this column recently about emotional hygiene, and doing the necessary maintenance on feelings as well as your physical body and household. Health reminders tell us to wash our hands frequently to prevent transmittal of diseases. Did you know you can “wash” your mood, too, and give yourself an attitude adjustment whenever you want to?

When I want to have a pleasant time with Richard, I know it’s important to manage my mood and keep myself on an even keel—if anything happens that’s disappointing, annoying, upsetting or stressful, I need to re-balance myself and not let it get to me or spoil the day.

Here are some ideas for how to turn your attitude around in the most common mood-disrupting situations:

Disappointment and Expectations
We all have high hopes and rosy pictures of the future when we enter a new situation or relationship. So when life turns out not to be perfect, things don’t go the way you hoped, or you find out your partner actually is an imperfect human, just like you, it’s disappointing. You may begin by expecting that your partner will always see your point of view, or that as long as you love each other, everything will be OK, but after a while, reality breaks through and you realize your expectations were unrealistic. If you feel you’re constantly disappointed and frequently angry, consider that it may be because your expectations don’t line up with reality.

No matter how little reality resembles your dreams, there’s no need to squabble about it. We all deal with many disappointments in daily life, at home and at work. In most cases, neither you nor your partner would argue with the boss, colleagues at work, or your child’s teacher the way you argue with each other. In domestic situations, you can choose your behavior in the same way—you don’t have to argue with each other. Instead of bickering like children, use your grownup self-control to pull yourself out of the argument. If you’re fighting over silly little things, remember you’re having symbolic fights—it’s not really about who didn’t put the cap on the toothpaste, it’s about disappointment, who is right, who has the most power, or who deserves to be loved.

Do’s and Don’ts for Handling Disappointment
OK, so you’re disappointed. Your dream has ended in the trashbin. You may want to lay on the floor, kicking your heels, and screaming; or go on a drunken binge, or beat someone up, but if you try it, you’ll find you’re still disappointed, and all that acting out hasn’t fixed anything. Disappointment is a dead-end in your road; so you need to figure out a new direction.

Here are some Do’s and Don’ts to help you:

DO put it in perspective: If you’re disappointed, it hurts, but your life is not over. Look to your future, and see what you can do to make it better.

DO understand that you had some control, but not total control over this: With an objective look at what went wrong, you can make plans to improve your team effort, your skills, your spirit and then look forward to the next event. Don’t blame yourself for the things you couldn’t control, but change the things you can.

DON’T give up: You’re not a failure unless you quit; so don’t quit when you’re behind. Instead, get determined to do better.

DO try to learn from the experience: Every disappointment is an opportunity to learn from whatever went wrong. Replay your mental tapes of the event, and figure out how you can do better.

DON’T expect anyone to sympathize beyond the first few moments: Sympathy feels good for a short while, but it debilitates you in the long run. You’ll feel better if you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get back in the game.

Letting go of Resentment, Discontent and Frustration
Discontent and frustration are destructive, because they give rise to hopelessness and despair. If you can’t solve problems, communicate or get along with yourself or someone else, you’ll lose hope that you will ever be able to enjoy life. Resentment and frustration rob your days of the joyous and happy moments. When you’re frustrated and hopeless, you lack patience and the ability to think clearly and creatively. The good news is, you can learn patience and clear thinking.

Acquiring Patience
Learning to be patient and remain calm reduces and relieves stress and worry. Cultivating patience is really learning impulse control—it’s an issue in self-management. You can learn how to do “emotional maintenance” and shake off stress, keep on track of what you want to do, and let go of frustration when something is getting to you. Patience is learning how to wait and think before acting and made sure you understand the options and take control of your own ideas and decisions. It’s a growth process, a transformation of self through awareness and learning.

To acquire patience, learn not to act on impulse, but change your thinking and attitude, and reach out for support and encouragement. To learn the necessary patience and determination that enhances your communication, these seven steps will help.

Seven Steps to Help You Learn Patience:

1: Wait: The old advice to “count to 10 before you respond” is a great way to learn patience. Give yourself a chance to give your best response.

2: Use Perspective—put your impulses or desires in perspective—will it be important an hour from now—fifteen minutes from now? Most of them won’t be.

3. Self-understanding: If you are tempted to act or speak on impulse, understand that the impulse is normal, but you don’t have to be run by it. Reactions and impulses are suspect—it’s how thoughtfully we act on them that counts. If your impulsive thoughts or actions ruin moments, they’re not worth it.

4: Take a longer view: If you’re reacting because someone upset you (e.g.: your partner hurt your feelings) give a little prayer of thanks that it wasn’t worse, say a blessing for your partner, friend or co-worker (who probably needs it) and you’ll feel better. If you are tempted to act impulsively, pause a minute and consider your bigger goal—then decide if the momentary impulse is worth setting back your goal.

5. Give yourself a break: If you act on an impulse before thinking about it, acknowledge what you did, then forgive yourself and get back on track. If you find yourself acting impulsively a lot, then maybe your goal is too rigid, and you need to allow a little more room for yourself, or to renegotiate the contract with your spouse. Find an outlet for your impulses where they won’t do harm.

6. Refocus: Impulses are often a reaction to outside circumstances—for example, being annoyed because your partner isn’t available, when you could enjoy using the time you have to yourself. Make sure what you’re doing is what you really want to do.

7: Celebrate: Remember to celebrate your accomplishments and all the times you do what you intend to, keep your promises, and work things out. Frequent small celebrations are a way to reward yourself for patience, and to increase your motivation to be even more patient. Complement and encourgage yourself and others.

Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.

www.tinatessina.com

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Let us go straight to the point to all these small talks and focus on the question that slices into the very hub of man’s survival.

Bad boys or nice guys?

This is truly a matter of personality choice. Each has its own crowd of admirers, where every woman is ready to defend their dearly beloved partners.

However, the debates seemed to never cease. This is because women never have clear distinction as to what type of mate would they rather prefer. And after a long scurrilous deliberation and poll voting, it seems that the choice between bad boys and nice guys are endless discussions.

Sounds impossible? Read on.

According to survey polls online, nearly 30% of the women respondents have stated that the personality matters most. Though, it was not clearly identified what kind of personality that these women would want from the guys.

But there are some reports that the nice guys are apparently unappealing to most women. Why is this so? What could possibly cause this evident weakening magnet of the nice guys? Does that account for the reason why more men are “behaving badly” these days?

There are so many speculations why these things happen. But there are just as many instances that could attest that women seem to like bad boys rather than the nice guys. For instance, there are those cases wherein the more a nice guy gets “nicer” to women; the more they will not opt to be romantically involve with those guys. Instead, they outwardly become attracted to men who deal with them harshly.

However, this does not necessarily mean that women would literally choose bad boys, as in the really mean ones, over the nice guys. The only reason why some women opt to date those who are not under the category of nice guys is that the nice ones create an impression of not being romantic. They appear to be less appealing as far as sexual attraction is concerned.

In fact, some women contend that those who are really nice seem to offer friendship instead of romance. So what is the point of being romantically involved with them if this is what women think of them?

The point here is that women do not literally prefer bad boys that are really bad as in those who commit crimes or whatsoever. They just have the tendency to be physically attracted to men who treat them a little harsh, those who do not pay attention to them, those who seem not to care for them, and those who do not give them 100% attention.

These are all boiled down to the fact that women are actually adventurous people. They would rather love men who start taking actions instead of trying to act “nice.”

Moreover, in order to understand why women are more physically attracted to the bad-boy image is to focus on the very core of attraction. It is merely based on attraction that women are paying more attention to the nasty ones. But this does not necessarily mean that women would prefer to have bad boys as their lifetime partner rather than the nice guys.

In fact, according to some recent surveys, almost 38% of women that were included in the respondents would still prefer nice guys, while only 15% want the bad ones. Consequently, nearly 34% would rather have a combination of both personalities.

So what do these figures show? It just means that women are still not insane who would literally choose the bad guys. They are only attracted to those who seem to carry a bad boy image but for a more serious relationship, the nice guys, or a combination of both personalities are much preferred.

Given all that, the choice between the two kinds of personality is not a matter of who is the most preferred type of guy, rather, it is a matter of attraction. As long as the nice guys have what it takes to attract women, chances are they would be able to date women.

The bottom line is that women can be very fussy and may not make sense whenever they choose the kind of guy they would be interested in. In fact, they can go from one type to another type in just a short span.

But what makes women fall in love deeply is to have a personality that is not so straight and, yet, not that crooked. This pertains to those who are funny, confident, and has an air of mystery on the side.

After all, who would rather choose a boring man whom women were supposed to live with for the rest of their lives? Certainly not those-goody-two-shoes, right?